Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
