Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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