i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
