Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
