apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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