that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
