How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
