this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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