Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
