she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
