It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
