you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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