Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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