Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
