so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
