Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
