Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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