I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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