i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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