my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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