Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
