She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
