Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
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