The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
