she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
