I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
