I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
