did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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