When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
