im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
