Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
