Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
