How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
