Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
