He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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