trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
