Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
