If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
