my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
