my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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