Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Randomize
