just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
