just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
