just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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