Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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