I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
