No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
