I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
