At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
