I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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