My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
